The Girl

By David Colon

They gave one to me. So I drank it, all of it. It burned, but I didn’t wince. They gave me a second one after the first. I drank that too, but this time around, it didn’t burn as much. They told me that a third would make me even happier than the second. So I drank a third. Then they gave me a fourth trying to bargain with me that the fourth was the epitome of drinks. So I said “To hell with it,” and drank the fourth.

I could feel all of it having a dispute within my stomach, and well my stomach wasn’t having any of it. The growing dispute turned into full fledged abuse with each step. I walked aimlessly from room to room trying to settle the argument, but I couldn’t find a mediator. I walked outside and thought about how much I loved her and hated her all at the same time. My stomach swifty ended the dispute and I puked off the side of the balcony.

They laughed at me, and I somehow managed to laugh back. They were my friends right? You have to smile back. They told me I looked great, so they gave me a joint. I took a hit. It burned, but I didn’t care. It juxtaposed the crisp air, which somehow made me feel it even more.

It was like when Siddhartha found his ohm. I was at peace. I loved everything for what it was and everything that it would become, even her. I hung over the balcony. Gravity was taking its toll, pulling me further and further away from them. I was frozen. The longer I sat there, the closer I was to finding that peace. It was crisp outside. The kind of cold where your nipples perk up. That was the exact weather I met her in, the exact weather that she loved.

I went back inside. Not much had changed, I couldn’t find them. They were in here somewhere, so I walked aimlessly from room to room. To try to socialize with a bunch of random people would be to waste a whole lotta time. I didn’t have that. Besides, I already established a relationship with a new friend group, so to try to branch out and establish meaningless connections would be even more of a waste. But it didn’t hurt to drink and smoke their supply. The key is to act like you know them. Then, you let your newly established friend group to go and get you drinks that they think will make you happy. It’s better to walk around aimlessly.

There was a dog that seemed to walk directionless around the house. I bet you that the dog and I had more in common than me and an actual person there. And let me tell you, boy was she beautiful: long curly hair, a slender body, a real mutt. I once told her that I wanted a dog with her. I wanted to own a big house with her in it. I was always transparent with her. I even told her my greatest fear.

There was this day, a while back, and I was stuck in my head. She knew. I don’t know how, she just knew with me. She could always read me. You could always smell the lavender in her hair if you were close enough.

“What’s up, hun?” she asked.

“I don’t–”
 “Don’t give me that ‘I don’t know’ shit Mike, come on, out with it.”

“Well, I don’t know how to explain–”

“Try.”

“I’m not trying to make this all sound cliché and shit, but it’s kinda like the emptiness you’re left with after you finish a good show or book. You don’t want to say goodbye to that world you got to pretend you were in and those characters that made you feel like you were something. And when it’s all over, you realize how shitty everything around you really is. I’m afraid I’ll never have a world of my own that makes me feel like I’m connected to something.”

Oh look, they found me.

The kid with the rather large forehead spoke. “Hey, Michael, you look extra fucked up!”

“Yeah, totally. So um, you guys wanna get out of here or…?”

The forehead’s girlfriend spoke. “NO! We can’t. We’re having too much fuuuun!”. She gave me a headache.

“Well, guys, I might leave then. It’s been fun, really it has. But I’m not feeling it tonight. I have to pack and I just want to get out of here.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa Mike,” Forehead said. This isn’t about her is it? We told you not to go back to her.” The woe’s seemed to linger.

They wouldn’t stop talking.

“Michael, here, drink this, you’ll have a bit more fun.”

I took it and I drank it. It burned, but I didn’t wince. They gave me another. So I drank it. The more I drank, the more I was reminded of her. It doesn’t help knowing that you’re the reason why everything is so fucked up. I wish things had gone differently. I wish.

It’s all good though, right? All I have to worry about is quenching my thirst, and they were doing that for me. The only thing I had to do was sit here and take it. No matter the dispute, no matter how fucked up I felt, I could go to the balcony and repeat. I couldn’t take it though, their mindless talking. The more and more they talked, the more I wanted to put a bullet through my head. That would have been more peaceful than listening to their mindless conversations. She would have laughed at that.

Forehead spoke. “So, Michael, have you talked to anyone yet?”

“Yeah, she’s over there,” they followed my finger.

“Wait where are you pointing?”

“Over there. You see her don’t you? She’s a beaut. The one with cute curly hair, come on guys.”

“You talkin’ bout’ the dog?”

“Yep,” I said.

“Okay Mike,” forehead responded.

We sat there in silence. Not the good kind of silence. I had the good kind of silence with her. The kind of silence where you don’t have to laugh or say something utterly stupid as a fill in. I looked past the forehead that stood in my way and focused my eyes around the room. What was I doing? I knew their drinks began to kick in because all I thought about was her. That’s all I could see, all I could think of. I wanted her, no I craved her. I had told her that I wanted to be together, not just now, but a long time. I wanted it so bad that I became afraid.

“Listen Mike,” forehead said, “I know you’re bummed out about her, but you have to lighten up man. I’m sorry we talked shit about her and we’re sorry she heard. But you have to get over this, she’s just another girl, you know?”

“Chris, you didn’t even really know her, just shut up.”

“Mike, I know women–”

Forehead’s girlfriend cut in. “Oh yeah, he does know women.”

The drinks kicked in. I found myself yelling. “Emily, shut the fuck up! You were the one who talked shit!”

“Oh Mike,” she retorted, “It doesn’t matter does it? She doesn’t matter. Let’s all go take a hit and forget this.”

“You’re right,” I said, “She didn’t matter to you. But she mattered a whole hell of a lot to me. So fuck you gu–”

“Mike–”

“No seriously fuck you guys. You just didn’t like her and I together, actually you just didn’t like her. So what, you pull some manipulative shit? I don’t even know what the fuck you said, she wouldn’t tell me.”

“What are you going to do Mike? Go drive to her house and tell her that you love her, ask her what we said?”

“I said fuck off Chris.”

“This was your fault Mike.”

The drinks were in full effect. “Yeah, it was. But you know what? You told her that I wasn’t happy. You told her that I wanted something else. Wait no, you didn’t actually tell her directly. You made sure she’d be in earshot. I was a whole hell of a lot happier with her and you know wha–no.  I’m done, fuck you, fuck all of you.”

I stomped away. Right out the door, and stumbled into my car. Could I drive? Yes. Was it recommended? No. My car breathed to life, it’s hum echoed the driveway. I looked to the upstairs windows, trying to get a glimpse of what I had just left. By the time forehead and his girl had peeked out the window, I was already in reverse.

The Shins came on the radio. One of our favorite bands. How fitting. I began to remember. We were in my car. Driving through the White Mountains. That’s the day Caring is Creepy played. She looked over at me. Her hair was pulled back and it swayed with wind that whipped through the window.

“Hey Mike?”
 “Yeah, what’s up?”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“You think?”
“Well I mean I know”

“Is it you think or you know?”

“I know. And why are you giving me a hard time? I just told you that I love you and you didn’t say a word. Oh and you know what? I saw you smirking when I told you. So cut it ‘cause I know you’re not mad.”

“I don’t know Rachel. I don’t know what to say, I guess I’m just disappointed, that’s all.”

“You’re disappointed?

“Yeah. I think and I know are two totally different concepts and to explain them would be–”
“I’m going to take it back then!”

“You can’t actually! It’s a rule.”

“Says who?”

“Me.”

“Well what do you say Mike?”

“Well Rach, I guess I say that I think I’m in love with you too.”

“I can’t believe you Michael, you know that?”

“I know you can’t. That’s why you love me.”

Silence, the good kind.

My car screeched to a halt. I was standing outside her door. I began to sweat. I probably shouldn’t have been there in a state like that. I clutched the door siding to balance myself. It wasn’t the sexiest stance, but it worked. Knock, Knock, Clank. I misjudged the third knock and hit the door handle. It’s ring pierced my ears. Was she asleep at this point? Where was she? I wanted to call out, yell, but that’d be too cliche and I wasn’t that much of a mess. I heard footsteps inside. Quiet little pattern approached the door. Our eyes met through the peephole. It was a first in awhile that we actually looked at one another. The door creaked open. It felt like ages, but we were finally standing face to face.

“Hey,” I said.

She rolled her eyes. “Hey.”

Silence. The awkward kind.

She handed me one. So I took it, it burned and I winced at everything she said. She had a way with words. A way where she was able to engrain every last one into my head. Even the syntax was perfect. She knew exactly what to say to make me feel like the biggest piece of shit that had ever walked the Earth. I deserved it.

…

The bus driver was taken aback by my radiance. “You look like shit kid,” he said as I stepped onto the bus.

What I really wanted to tell him was that he was a little too big for his seat, but all I could manage was “Thanks.” I probably did look like shit-I felt like shit anyways. I took a window seat at the back of the bus, away from the rest of the passengers. This was a place where the silence was neither good nor bad. This was a place where I could sit and think. Hell, I didn’t even have my phone on me to see the remnants of the shitstorm I caused.

So what did I think about? It wasn’t about the party and it certainly wasn’t about Chris. Hell, it wasn’t even that I hadn’t gotten the chance to pack. What I thought about was what happened after Rach reamed me out. When she finished, we stared at each other. The silence was awkward, at first anyways. But, that’s where I noticed the change. This is the part I can’t get over. She crossed her arms, sighing from exasperation, exhaustion, I don’t know. But in that moment, it changed. What happened? Well, the silence became good again.