Exercise 3 Revision

David Colon

Creative Writing

Professor Miller

2/28/18

 

Before Revision

As I revise my short story, I want to include a section that addresses why the reader should care about my main character. So far in my story I have areas of tension, but these areas exist as sources of implicit tension. There seems to be a lack of explicit tension, tension that pulls both the reader and story along. My main character, Mike, doesn’t have any external tension that compels him to act. It feels like each scene is missing something, something that would add a sense of urgency. And that’s what I want to achieve through my revision, that sense of urgency. I want to add a scene or two that puts pressure on Mike. If you were to break my story down, it’s a short story about a kid struggling over a breakup. The story focuses on the breakup, but that’s about it. There needs to be some other form of substance, some other driving force of pressure.

To create external tension in my short story, I plan on adding a flashback scene somewhere in my story. I will begin by mapping out my story to decide where to place this particular flashback. I don’t know exactly where to put it, but maybe I’ll place it somewhere towards the beginning of the story. By placing it at the beginning of the story, this may add a break in implicit tension, but add external tension. During my one-on-one, Jesse and I discussed the possibility of adding a scene that sets the setting apart from a party, for example a bus ride. I think that’s the scene I would like to pursue, something that juxtaposes the chaos of a party. On a bus, Mike would be able to collect his thoughts and sit in silence, reflecting on his past mistakes. If I were to add this hypothetical scene during the middle of the party, it could add contrast, a break in the implicit tension (which would add a factor of explicit tension), and it would add interesting insights and development into Mike’s character.

After Revision:

I’m going to be honest. Before I began revising my story, I had no idea how to tackle the things I wanted to change. The main thing I wanted to accomplish was to make the reader care about my main character and his relationship. I constantly read and re-read my story to look for some break in continuity where I could add a scene/flashback that breaks the tension of the party, but adds background and implicit tension to the story.

The first step to adding this scene was to rearrange my dialogue to add more tension between Mike, the party, and his group of friends. Through dialogue, I added a sense of urgency that pressured Mike to want to leave the party. Instead of Mike casually wanting to leave, I made it so that he told his friends that he has to leave in order to pack. I think by adding this packing element, there now exists external pressure. Time is now against Mike, he has to worry about packing as well as worry about his ex girlfriend. This packing element also gave rise to the scene I added at the end of my story. During my one on one, Jesse and I discussed how the resolution of the story should take place in a different setting other than a party, like a bus for example. A setting like a bus would juxtapose the chaos of the party. I ended up rewriting the ending to my story so that it did take place on a bus. I think that by adding this scene, it brought the story full circle by affirming Mike’s ambition to leave and go home. It also allows Mike to self reflect on his actions from the night before in a quiet setting that challenges the chaos he endured.

But even after this, I felt like my story was missing more character development that would demonstrate and compel the reader to care about my characters. So again through dialogue, I was able to reword and refocus wording to allude to Mike’s fear of loneliness. Mike chose his friends over his Rachel out of fear. Although I didn’t necessarily talk about their problems with the relationship, I focused on how Mike’s friends pressured him to break up with somebody who made him happy. Since I found it hard to flesh out and develop Rachel’s character, I attempted to make Mike’s friends seem toxic. By doing this, the reader is compelled to think that Rachel is the better option for Mike. This in turns builds both explicit and implicit tension as the reader wants Mike to go back to Rachel, but realizes that this action is easier said than done. After building upon these elements of toxicity and loneliness, I was finally able to find a place where to add a flashback scene. After Mike throws up off the balcony, I was able to include a scene where Mike and Rachel talk about Mike’s fear of loneliness. This in turn, adds character development, tension, and an aspect of caring seeing how Rachel cares for Mike in that instance, an action that directly opposes how his friends treat his fear of loneliness.

Overall, I am happy with my revisions. I think that by rewording and reorganizing my story, I was able to add scenes that added tension. These flashbacks embellished my characters just a tad bit more to the point where I think the reader would care about my main characters, yet also pull the reader and story along.