Creative Writing Exercise 2

David Colon

Creative Writing

Professor Miller

2/5/18

Okay, okay, I’m not going to lie to you. I snorted only a tiny bit. It’s what you have to do when you buy and sell stocks. It’s like a little pick me up. Here’s how it works: You come to me, I put your money into a fund, then we make money. But I told you that I’m not going to lie to you. This is only the half truth.

Before you come to me I snort a tiny bit. It gets me prepared to sell you a lie. I don’t feel bad because you chose me knowing that I could do this. If we don’t know each other, I tell you that I’m a reputable man, one who can accurately predict market trends and who can diversify your portfolio into trusted mutual funds that have outperformed the market in the past. If you’re a regular, I tell you that your portfolio is doing great. I tell you that we are making a shitload of money. I tell you that it’s a team effort. You give me your money, then I snort some more. We celebrate.

I’ll split your money. You’ll give me fifteen percent for my advisory fee. I’ll then put your money into a mutual fund, I’ll put my cut into an index fund. What’s the difference? Your money will be placed so that you own a handpicked collection of companies. My money will be placed so that it owns a large collection of companies. It doesn’t matter because all you need to know is that by putting your money into a mutual, you play a risk and will eventually lose money. By putting my money into an index, I play it safe and make money. I then snort some more.

On the day’s you make money, that’s when you become addicted. As soon as you see some profit, you’ll just give me more and more and more. Over time, you’ll just lose it. But for me, it’ll compound and I’ll see profits you could only dream of. It’s not my fault you don’t know shit about the market, you chose me, that’s your fault. Oops.

Aside from you, today was like any other day. I walked into the office at nine. My secretary asked for my coat as she gave me my usual: one coffee, black. I take the powder on the side. She handed me my schedule. It doesn’t who or what is on my schedule. No matter what, I’m going to be selling my lie.

Everyone in my office does the exact same thing as me: pitch a lie, sell the lie, buy the lie. But do you want to know something? The difference between me and everyone in that office is that they believe the lies that they sell. They believe that they can and will beat the market. They put their money and their client’s money in mutual funds. They are ignorant, foolish, greedy. They ask me for advice. And I tell them the same things that I tell my clients. It’s not because I don’t want them cashing in on my success, it’s because they deserve what’s coming to them. They’re all scum.

Knowing that everyone will eventually lose everything is quite comforting, especially knowing that it’s the scum around you. I’m not doing anything illegal, it’s just the name of the game. I’m cleansing the system. I’m making sure that your money will be safe. I want them, all of them to go broke. I want my colleagues to suffer. I’m saving you as long as you don’t come to me.

Today, you walked into this office. I had seen you before. You were warm, vibrant, a juxtaposition to my kind. You had this elegance to you; the way your hair fell, the way you looked at me, I never experienced that before. You were beautiful. Stunning. Even though we had never said a word to each other, I knew that I had to have you. But if you were my client, I knew that I would take advantage of you. Just like them. We’re all scum in here.

You chose the wrong advisor, you picked Johnson. He was going to bleed your bank account dry. In fact, he was my top priority, my new target to cleanse. I fed him lies for years. Little hints that would slowly ruin his career. But now he was feeding you my lies. If you ever found out, you would never come back here. I needed to save you from him.